It has been months since I posted - it is now May 4. My last post was about medical marijuana and Ram Dass on Oprah's show.
I have been extremely ill and am now recovering. There is and has been something about Macy's that actually made me ill. It was while working there that I got pneumonia and came close to death. I was right back to work 6 weeks later and got sick again almost immediately. Nothing has been the same since. Finally, I began to get so sick at work that I would vomit. The stomach aches were indescribably painful. This started happening last winter around Christmas again and steadily got worse. I lost 30 or so pounds in a little over a month. No one would even acknowledge there was a problem - no one in my family. Finally, John noticed how skinny I had gotten and then I got on the scale - from 90 lbs in Jan. to 76 in Feb. and in November, I was around 100. It has been a scary time and I believe God has been telling me this job must come to an end. I finally saw the doctor and was diagnosed with 2 ulcers after a series of very expensive tests. How I will pay these bills is impossible to even think about now.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014.
Yesterday, I spoke to a nurse at the doctor's office and he said they are still waiting on test results but no cancer. Something other than ulcers though. Since I no longer feel ill I am sure it is because of not working. We have to move along without me working at Macy's. This is were the rubber meets the road and I either have the faith I claim to have or I completely become overcome with fear. So far, even though I have no idea how we will pay all our obligations with only social security, I know this is what God wants and what the message has been loud and clear. I can not do the job - period. Broke or not, for better or worse, Macy's cannot fill in the gaps.
On the lighter side of things, we have reduced expenses by eliminating the grow room since it was not profitable. Saving money on electricity, saving almost $200 month on gas not going to Lloyd Center daily so perhaps it will work. I feel more relaxed and confident that it will all work out. I have gotten clear messages that my prayers are being heard and not to worry. Yogananda says worry does not solve a thing and is most detrimental so now, every time those thoughts of despair and worry come, I try and turn them around to positive. John's Jathropa project is coming along and may yield money soon. Perhaps Our Lady wants me to come to her home in Mexico, and if so, I am willing to go where God leads - where she leads. Our Lady of Guadalupe and Saint Ann, her mother and Jesus's grandmother. I have turned my life over to them - God - and will accept whatever I am given. I am not in control - God is. When Sr. JoJean and I went to the Abbey, I dedicated my life to Our Lady of Guadalupe, promising to say a daily rosary and attend 5 first Saturdays in reparation to her Immaculate Heart. She promises to take care of suffering, sickness, pain, illness and promises to always be with me. I believe she is - I believe she healed my pain and sickness - her and Jesus. I am being given a new opportunity here but do not know just yet what it is but I do know I had to close the Macy's door to allow something new to enter. I feel too much relief to not believe another opportunity will happen - God's time, not mine. I keep teaching, praying, doing my daily practice and believe believe believe.
One thing that has been hurtful and I am still trying to figure out if I want to continue with this project. The Ignatian Spirituality Project is a project to bring those in recovery and who are homeless, or without any permanent residence into an Ignatian retreat. Retreats cost money so most of these women cannot even consider the possibility. The ISP offers them a retreat opportunity at no cost. A friend of mine decided to head up a group here in Portland and I told her I would do the retreat and help her. I definitely bit off too much.
The retreat was held the weekend before Easter and it was an overnight stay. At the time, I was right in the middle of the worst time I have had with the ulcers or whatever causes the pain and nausea. An overnight stay was not a good idea but I had committed so went ahead. I could not bring my own food and the entire weekend was very painful. I related to the women, and helped with food etc. but was in such pain all weekend just wanted it to end so I could go home. My friend was in my faith sharing group and since these women all had drug/alcohol experiences, I felt comfortable being honest and open about my past criminal record and arrest for marijuana. I also shared that I am not a patient and completely support patient use. In faith sharing, the rules are we never discuss anything outside of the group, we do not comment, respond, just listen. My friend drove me home after retreat and when we got to my house, there was an "Oh, by the way" I talked to so and so about your comments and she agreed you should not ever share your opinions/feelings about medical marijuana because these women are completely off of anything. I was shocked and hurt. The fact that she would discuss this at all was horrific. My friend is a very nice person, but she does have her own agenda. Part of that agenda is getting recognition she believes she deserves. St. Ignatius, our mutual parish, had her as one of their "chosen ones" for a long time but somehow after her husband died, that changed and she has been very bitter about it. She has not been invited to speak, head up groups and recently the Ignatian Spirituality Project she is heading up was rejected for being a parish project. So she has gone on with it on her own and I admire her for doing so. However, she violated my confidence and the retreat was overwhelming as sick as I was. Now I am very unsure as to whether I wish to continue.
People are people and we all have egos to deal with and make errors. This one was huge though and I can never really trust her again. I probably have enough to do anyhow - being a SEEL Director is a big commitment and I think I need to just focus on that and not on this at least for now. Must not judge her and find a way to forgive her. I have not talked to her about it yet, but I know at some point I have to. There is a need to clear the air so I do not hang on to this. Let it go, she has her path and I have mine.
May 30, 2014
The ulcer finally seems to be healing and on that end I am much improved. We have our house for sale with a for sale sign out in front. Today I buried St. Joseph upside down, as it is said he will help sell a house. The prayer that was included with his statue I did not like. We cannot make demands of God. I formed my own and just asked for a nice family to purchase at our listed price so we can make the profit we need to get to Mexico if that is what I am supposed to do.
Although the ulcer has healed mostly, I have a compound spinal fracture. Did it doing shoulderstand twisting around. Osteoporosis is taking its toll. Once again, I waited to see Dr. Molly until I had been in pain for over 3 weeks. She gave pain meds, valium and I have really modified yoga. Spend lots of time lying down. It is a sure sign that Macy's is no longer an option. I can teach the class but after teaching or my own practice, it is painful. Still, cannot stay comotose all day. Taking this time to do much work on myself and try to make sense of what is happening.
August 12, 2014
The stress of being thrown completely into unknown territory is almost too much. If ever my faith has been tested, it is now. Our finances are catastrophic. The expenses of maintaining & paying the huge utility bills on this house are far out of our financial realm now that we have only social security. Scarier even than that is I do not see much activity, i.e., many people looking at the house. John got us in a program, for better or worse, where on the good side we do not have to make house payments but had to have the house listed. The downside is the program is for 6 months - it has already been 3 and only one offer, which they withdrew in about a day so we could not keep their earnest money.
My back is healing slowly. It is still painful but not as much as in the beginning. I cannot sit or stand for extended periods of time. Still taking pain meds and low dose of valium.
My prayer & meditation is deepening. I am becoming very aware of habits that limit me and the fact that I live in a constant state of fear. The situation is out of my hands. I have to trust that God will work this out and we will sell the house & find another place to live that is more affordable. Trusting my spirit & the unknown. The meditation that came to me unexpectedly is to heal ancestral wounds and help to see why nothing in my life has worked out well financially. Today, since I was awake I got up at 4 a.m. which is the Amrit Vela - ambrosial hour and the time I should practice every day - and did the meditation. Coinciding with that is Oprah Winfrey & Deepak Choprah's daily 21 day meditation. Today's was about finding inspiration and creating. What can I create - what talent do I have? There must be something - yoga & dance are my loves but I have not danced in years. New yoga students do not appear and I do not feel I really get things across to the ones I have.
What is blocking me? Through the ancestral meditation, I am seeing what hell my Grandmother Reed. who I disliked intensely, went through after Grandpa Reed died. Obviously, if he left her money she went through it and then had the big house to run. She took in borders and had to cook big meals for them daily. Now I see why my mother stayed & helped her. Not to mention the fact that Grandmother was a tyrant. I see now she acted out of fear. She claimed to be a really good Christian and did many charitable things, but she seemed to be mean spirited. She gossiped about other family members & friends constantly but yet was nice and sweet to their faces. I saw the unkind side of her because we lived with her. She was mean to my Daddy, who never failed to do what she asked and helped her always. He was a saint and I believe he turned to drugs because he could not deal with the world and with Grandmother. Today during both meditations, I cried. Tears of God - all of these ancestors of mine seemed to be telling me they loved me and encouraging me to behave differently. How can I when I too am fearful, uncertain - basically we are in the same position as Grandmother was. Too much house and do not know where to go. The answers are known only to God and I have to trust that Our Lady, St. Jude, and St. Anne will be walk with me and care for me and make things right. Trust is not my strong point, but I am learning.
Today is May 6 2023
9 years have passed. I am now 80 years old and a widow. John died August 26, 2022. It has been very hard but I am doing it. His heart just stopped and just like that he was gone.
